allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
