i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
