u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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