Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
