No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
