I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
