i don't like sucking hair
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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