there's paper in my vomit.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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