So gin and wine won't be happening again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
