so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
