Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
