If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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