I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
