I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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