i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
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