i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
