he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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