You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
