my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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