Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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