she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
