she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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