I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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