You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize