I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
