I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
