totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
