It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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