when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
