My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
