Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just pee around me
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
