Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
