I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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