Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
