So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
