I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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