He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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