I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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