the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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