I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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