I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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