I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
