I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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