I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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