I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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