It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
