im drinking this country out of the recession.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
