Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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