the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
