She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
