put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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