Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
