This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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