He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
