Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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