My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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