I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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