alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize