My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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